Emotional vampires

published 14 July 2008, MST

When the Bible tells us: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself,” the premise is that we do love ourselves, and, as it is recognized by Christ himself, it is never wrong nor undesirable to begin with. Indeed, self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence and (the instinct for) self-preservation are things that a healthy individual, with a sound mind and a balanced well-being, must have.

But there are those who take the love-of-self thing a bit too far. The conceited, the boastful, the pretentious, or those who simply have a very high regard of themselves are not exactly people we are thrilled to hang out with.

Still, these are mere personality traits or individual quirks that we see among people we work with, live with, go to school with or have any other dealings with. Nobody's perfect, and these differences make life much more interesting, more colorful.

Don't they?

But what if a person is is convinced he is better than everybody else? Fantasizes about power, wealth, success or attractiveness? Desires to possess the best in everything and be associated with “important” people? Exaggerates his own achievements or talents and expects constant praise and admiration? Sets unrealistic goals?

What if he feels entitled to deferential treatment? Fails to recognize other people's emotions and preferences and expects them to automatically go along with his ideas and plans? Worse, what if he takes advantage of others to advance his own ends and expresses disdain for those he feels are inferior?

Despite these, this person is easily envious of others and believes them to be envious of him. He easily feels hurt and rejected. Under the tough exterior, he has a fragile self-esteem. Needless to say, this unfortunate person has difficulty keeping healthy relationships.

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These characteristics, taken together and observed over a considerable period of time, form a pattern of behavior that creates problems in a person's cognition (perception, thinking and interpretation of oneself, other people and events), affectivity (emotional response in terms of range, intensity, liability and appropriateness), interpersonal functions and impulsivity.

Simply put, when this behavior hampers the normal functioning of how a person perceives himself, relates with other people and does his work, and in all counts gravely or severely, it is no longer a quirk. It may be a pathological disorder, which can be quite debilitating.

This one in particular is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, after Narcissus, the mythical figure who fell in love with his reflection in the water.

Psychological experts around the world use either of two classification systems that govern the way they analyze numerous personality disorders and thus find ways to work on their patients. European countries refer to the International Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders, published in 1992 by the World Health Organization.

Philippine practitioners, on the other hand, refer to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the classification system used in the United States. The Philippines uses the criteria listed in this manual to aid petitions for the declaration of nullity of marriages. Article 36 of the Family Code that says psychological incapacity is a ground for such judicial declarations. The manual also helps in corporations' human resources decisions in hiring or firing employees.

The DSM lists NPD as one of the nine major types of personality disorders. Broadly defined, NPD is "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." There are several symptoms of this disorder, those which I mentioned above. To be deemed disordered, a person has to exhibit five or more of these traits. The manual estimates that 50 to 75 percent of those with NPD are male.

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So what made me single out the self-lovers' disorder above the eight other types? The clinical descriptions can go and on. The books and articles are many. Ultimately, however, they don't mean a thing unless you actually know somebody exhibiting these characteristics. (I do and it ain't pretty.) And then you begin to imagine the ordeal that people closest to the narcissist are subjected to every day (even uglier).

First, once it is established that the disorder is severe, change becomes more unlikely than ever. While not totally impossible, the chances of somebody actually shedding the disorder are very slim. Therapy may be introduced, but owing to the nature of the disorder, the idea of receiving psychological help would be repugnant to the narcissist. That would be an affront to the superiority they try so hard to exude. As a result, they are likely to refuse external help. They may say they want to, in the beginning, but they will eventually grow tire of it given their characteristic short-lived enthusiasm.

Even more importantly, how do these people's families – spouses and children, most of all – fulfill their equally important need for a peaceful, healthy environment in which to nourish their own growth? Their narcissistic spouse or parent may think otherwise, but the well-being of the other members of the family, especially that of young, impressionable children, must never be subordinated to anybody's.

Imagine thus living in a household where a member considers himself or herself to be more important than you are. Imagine constantly subordinating your wishes, preferences, opinions and even little conveniences for this person who believes the world owes him something. Imagine your concerns and feelings being dismissed outright. You adjust and make sacrifices, and after everything, you are still second-rate. Maybe that's how it feels to be treated like dirt.

Doctors agree that the best compromise for this situation is non-constant interaction with the narcissist. In this way, conflict points are minimized and the narcissist, as he does in any initial encounter, watches himself to make a favorable impression. But of course this is not possible all the time because families are families and one of the spouses' rights and obligations is to live together. Real relationships, after all, are founded on everyday exposure to one another.

So a dilemma sets in. Other members of the family need to look out for themselves as well – that healthy version of self-love – for their own development. It is unfortunate if they simply spend their time catering to the needs of the narcissistic housemate while forsaking their own. It's the psychological equivalent of getting the blood sucked out of their system.