(2018) How to be a dad when you’re a mom

Long Story Short for Manila Standard

published June 17, 2018

IT’S Father’s Day today, and over the past few years it has become fashionable on social media and elsewhere to greet not only fathers, but also single mothers who raise their children on their own. 

It’s a fitting tribute, I believe, but we must also remember that these greetings exist because we’ve been conditioned to believe that fathers do certain things on one hand, and mothers do certain things on the other.

Traditional roles of the father include providing the needs of the family and acting as the pillar of the house. He is the source of vision, strength, courage, stability. 

Meanwhile, mothers care for and nurture the family. She keeps good house, makes sure everybody is fed and clothed well, and provides wise and loving counsel to the children. 

Last month as we celebrated Mother’s Day, we extolled our mom and mom figures for all the loving, caring, nurturing things. This time around, it’s the fathers that get all of the tribute—and along with them, the mothers who perform the job, not necessarily of fathers, but of both parents. 

Indeed in this day and age, anybody, whether it’s a father or a mother, can:

1. Earn a living to support the children, cover their basic needs and occasional wants. 

2. Serve as a source of strength during trying times and an inspiration to do their best in whatever they do. Either parent can be both a pillar (haligi) and a light (ilaw) of the home.

3. Show their daughters how they should relate to their current or future boyfriends or husbands—as equals partners, with their individual and distinct preferences. They are not some property to be owned, or hired help to wait on them. They should not be submissive and entirely dependent on the men in their lives.

4. Show their sons how they should relate to their girlfriends or wives (refer to 3).

5. Lead, by example, on how it is to be kind and honest in big and little things alike.

6. Remind children that nothing is beneath them. Children are impressionable, and the pressures of social media may lead them to think they have to keep up appearances. They may be excelling in school or in their extra-curricular activities, and may have achieved many things at a young age. These, however, do not exempt them from performing household chores, assisting brothers and sisters who need them, or even taking public transportation.

7. Remind children that nothing is beyond them. After ensuring that they are grounded and humble, parents should also give their children the means to explore opportunities according to their talents and inclinations, so they can find meaning in whatever it is they decide to do in the future. They can do anything, indeed, if they dream big and are gritty enough to follow through their ambitions with the commensurate hard work and persistence.

8. Protect them from harm, but allow them to make their own mistakes. It’s natural for fathers and mothers to obsess that no harm—physical or otherwise—comes to their kids. We can give advice, provide directions, nag them to death, but in the end one can only do so much. At some point we have to trust in the way we brought them up and that they can make sound decisions for themselves. And if they don’t—these are good, too, because setbacks, failures and heartaches will teach them better than any how-to list can. 

So how does one become a good father when one is a mother? You can’t because you are a woman. The good news is that it does not really matter—you just have to do your best in being a parent. 

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers and father figures out there. As for the rest of us—let’s carry on!

adellechua@gmail.com